Gray
by AvaSulli
Summary: "It's so easy to see the galaxy in black and white. Gray? I don't know what to do with gray." She was used to seeing everything in black and white. On Mindoir. On Akuze. As Commander Shepard and the crew of the SSV Normandy prepare to decide the fate of the galaxy, she realizes that the universe isn't black and white. Rated M for sexy love triangles, adult themes. (c) Bioware
1. We Are Not Prepared For This

I stood looking out of the observatory of the SSV Normandy at the vast field of glistening stars and worlds, ascending around me. I looked down at my old, antique analog watch. It read 11:00, the time it was frozen at for the last 13 years. I routinely tapped it, hoping that it would revive to life, even though my numerous previous attempts made it seem less and less likely each time. I looked at the worlds that illuminated in the vast void of space, overwhelmed by the view. Each world, each star was so insignificant from this distance, but together, made one hell of a display. Strength in numbers, I thought to myself.

"It never gets less beautiful, huh Shepard?" I saw Captain Anderson enter my peripheral vision. "I've spent most of my career up here in space, and I still catch myself being distracted when the windows are open." He exhaled. "The final frontier." I didn't respond, I didn't have to. I was never an outspoken person and overtime I came to realize people usually don't care about what you have to say as much as they pretend to. We admired it in silence for only a moment longer, as I assumed this was his way of telling me it was time. I pulled my icey blonde hair into a pony tail and my hands fumbled as I tried to do so. I wasn't the type of soldier to get nervous before a mission. I had dealt with the worst that I could expect already, on Mindoir and Akuze. I felt a dull ache in my chest as I remembered the events. I always thought of them before each mission, it was becoming an involuntary routine. I tried to use them to motivate myself before each mission, but it never became less settling. Maybe this was The Maker's way of punishing me for not being being good enough to save them. How much pain was occurring amongst those endless stars? I wondered. I paced a few steps backwards before turning on my heel to go to the comm room to be debriefed. There was a spectre on board and I don't think being overwhelmed by events that happened a decade ago would be a sufficient excuse, nor would it get the psych department to give me a green light for the mission.

Nihlus, a turian Spectre stood before me in the comm room. Claiming he wanted to talk to me in private, he let me know that this was "far more than a shakedown run." I never knew how to respond to turians. There was usually a hidden insult in every word they spoke to a human subordinate and I never knew what to filter out. In the middle of explaining to me that an ancient Prothean Beacon of some sort had been discovered, we were interrupted by the pilot of the Normandy, Joker. A grim scene was projected on the screen, which left each of us in silence. We had to go now.

My objective was to secure this beacon, while avoiding the colossal death machine I saw on the video from the ground team. I set off on foot onto Eden Prime, with squad mates Kaidan Alenko, a biotic, and Jenkins, a young soldier right out of the academy with a quick trigger finger. As I looked at some of the oddest looking organisms I had ever seen, floating around, it made me wish I had read the preparational reports more thoroughly. So far, so good, I thought. Wrong.

As we came around out the first corner, we were already met by gunfire. Kaidan and I dove for cover behind some boulders. I hit them so hard it knocked the breath out of my lungs. Gasping for air, I loaded my sniper rifle and aimed it at the drones that were rapidly firing at Jenkins. _Shoot. Reload. Shoot. Reload. Shoot._ In a matter of seconds, I had quick scoped each and every one of them. My feet crunched on flaming debris as I moved on, ready to continue the mission.

"Shepard, wait!" I heard Alenko calling for me. I stopped and turned around to see what the hold up was. "I think we should check on Jenkins." He said, leaning over a limp, motionless body of our squad mate. I quickly ran to his side, checking his pulse.

"Shit," I exhaled under my breath. "We have to keep moving." I said, flatly. Kaidan look me in the eyes, I could see the disbelief in his eyes. _We aren't prepared for this._ We shared a silent thought, that was quickly interrupted by the sound of distant gunfire. I bursted ahead, but stopped dead in my tracks at what happened next. I pulled out my rifle and readied my aim but was unable to move at the sight I saw. A colonist, struggling against two geth that were immobilizing him, pinning him down. The colonist looked over to me, as though he was staring directly down my scope when it happened. The mechanism he was sprawled across speared through his chest, lifting his lifeless body up like some kind of horrid display. I dropped my rifle, unable to look at the sight. My hands shakily grabbed for my rifle, nearly dropping it again. _Get it together, soldier_. My inner commentary scolded me as I lost all of my composure. _We are not prepared for this._ I lifted up my rifle, aiming it directly at one of the geth, whose attention was now fully onto the witnesses of their crime.

"Get into cover now, Alenko!" I shouted, my voice got caught in my throat through my panic. I fell to the floor, dodging fire from the machines who were approaching. I looked over to Alenko, whose expression had changed. He tilted his head, signalling to another human who was crouched behind a piece of debris. I normally would assess the possibility of this human harming me or my squad mates, but given the situation I felt it was safe to assume she was on my side. The woman looked over toward Alenko and I and held up her fingers. _5-4-3-2,_ she began to count down on her fingers. 1.

We all turned, firing at the machines. In a cloud of smoke and flames, they were dealt with. Kaidan charged at me, arms in the air.

"We are _not_ prepared for this, Shepard!" He stood inches away from me, breathing hard. "Radio Joker, we need to abort this mission. We are in way over our heads, with it just being you and I-"

"Get. It. Together. Lieutenant." I said in a lowered voice that would've made a Krogran stop dead in it's tracks, pausing between each word for emphasis. "I will not sentence these colonists to _that_ fate!" I thrust my finger at the impaled colonist. Alenko backed down almost immediately. I turned to the soldier, who stood silently awaiting her turn to speak.

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams." She started to continue

"Come with us." I said sternly, my frantic breathing began to subside and I found my authoritative voice once again.

We moved on, and found ourselves approaching a camp.

"It's so quiet," Ashley whispered, almost inaudibly. "I don't like this, Shepard." As we took one more step forward, I heard the screech of gears churning. I flinched, turning 90 degrees, lifting my rifle up while keeping my eye out of the scope. My breath hinched in my throat as I heard a long sigh, that turned into a groan. Nobody moved a muscle as we watched the glowing corpse peel itself off the spike and turn in our direction, followed by several others. _We are not prepared for this._

Suddenly, they were blasted backward by a powerful biotic reave, their deteriorating bodies crushing on impact against the bases of the spikes that had been their demise. I looked over at Kaidan, who was down on his knees panting heavily. His hands grabbed the ground firmly, looking for some sort of support. His hand still had a blue glow around it, remnants of the reave he had just cast. His hands were shaking badly, he was crumbling under the stress.

"Aghhh," He grabbed his head in pain. I had heard before that biotics can get painful side effects, but it was obvious the stress of the situation was getting to him. I observed the crippled figure for a moment, wishing he would just get up and spare me the feel good speech. I had no choice. I didn't have the resources to go on without him. I knelt down in front of him at eye level, placing a hand on his shoulder. Without saying a word or opening his eyes, he crawled up to his feet. "Shepard, I don't want to know what's around that corner." He pointed ahead. A fear we all shared. "Let's move out, I'll be fine." Like he had flicked a switch, he gained his composure. I could see in his eyes that he wasn't going to let that happen to any more civilians. Not if we could help it. I looked at Kaidan, then at Ashley and with a firm nod, we began to move around the corner.

It was moments like these that made me thankful that I was able to stand in front of my squad mates. My jaw dropped as I saw the massive vessel ascending into the sky. In my days in the military, in all of my reading, It was the single most largest ship I had ever seen in my life. The ship from the video.

"What i-is that?" Ashley shuddered in awe. I didn't answer.

"Corner's are beginning to be my least favorite thing." I said, over my shoulder as I moved forward at a jogging pace. I pulled out my heavy pistol as we ran into more of the humanoid abominations. I thought of what they were. People. People with families. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them through my scope. I stepped up the metal stairs and fell to my knees, beside the lifeless body of Nihlus, the turian spectre.

"This is bad!" I stood up, turning to my squad mates. "We are getting out of here," I pointed at the ground with my gun. "and I am not leaving without that beacon."

"Aye, aye" Ashley said, confidently. My eyes lingered over to Kaidan, who was still looking pale. He swallowed deeply, then nodded. Now, we just had to get that beacon.

 **Hello everybody! It's Ava. After a few years of not playing the games, I'm having a bit of a withdrawal. I decide to start writing this to get my fix! I will try to update this regularly, and plan on working through the plot a bit quicker than I did on this chapter! Please stick around and check for more chapters and updates and hopefully this story can start chugging along! Feedback is encouraged, I want everyone to enjoy what they're reading. Thanks!**

 **-Ava**


	2. The Vision

I woke up and saw a blur of fluorescent lights. I blinked, trying to get my eyes to focus with little success. I sat up and a wave of lightheadedness overcome me. I clenched my eyes shut, as my head throbbed in pain. A wave of panic washed over me as I remembered the mission. What happened? Where am I?

"Doctor, , I think she's waking up!" Kaidan yelled, making my head ache. I winced in pain.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?" The Normandy's doctor on board, walked over. I signed in relief, realizing I was in the med bay of the ship. I looked over at Kaidan, who smiled sheepishly at me. He had visible bags under his eyes and looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"How long was I out?" I asked, placing a hand on my feverishly warm head. As if hearing my thoughts, Chakwas placed an gel ice pack on my forehead, then allowed me to take over as she went back and stood by another hospital bed.

"About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon I think." She explained. The beacon. I tried and tried to recall what had happened with the beacon, with no luck. I couldn't remember the events at the end of the mission.

"Did we get the beacon?" I asked urgently, standing up off the bed. My legs ached worse than when I first attended the academy. "What's wrong with me? Why don't I remember anything?" The questions poured out of my mouth, sounding more urgent and panicked than I would have liked. I wished Kaidan would leave the room so he wouldn't have to see me like this.

"Take it easy, ma'am. What was the last thing you remember?" Kaidan spoke like a concerned mother trying to comfort a child. I tried to regain my composure, took a deep breath, and cleared my throat. He was just trying to help.

"The last thing I remembered was," I racked through my brain, pausing over the severity of just how badly this mission had gone. The ship, the monsters...the colonist getting impaled. Nihlus! "Nihlus," I spoke, but it came out as a whisper. My hands began to shake. "Nihlus and those, those _things_." I stammered, making eye contact with Kaidan. I remembered how unstable he was during the mission. The roles seemed to have fully reversed now. His eyes were locked on a spot on the floor between Chakwas and I. He looked so uncomfortable, being forced to remember it all. "What were those?" I looked back and forth between the two, waiting for my answer with my eyes wide.

"One thing at a time, Shepard. From what we gathered the geth were using the spikes to create the monsters, mindless husks programmed to kill." She paused, letting it sink in. Judging by how slowly she was speaking, she must assume I'm on the edge of a psychotic break of some sort. "We are still unsure as the whether we can trust the account of one of a witness claiming Saren was involved in the death of Nihlus, the turian spectre." I looked at Chakwas and then at Kaidan. I was beginning to remember, as the vision of a colonist coming out from behind some crates came back to me.

"Saren? The spectre?" I asked looking at Kaidan incredulously. He had one of his hands in the other, nervously fumbling with his fingers. He looked back up to me with an expression that assured me that it sounded just as crazy to him as it did for me. He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, " _I know._ "

"I told Captain Anderson about what the witness told us." He began pacing back and forth, rubbing his temples. "We will have to write up a report to send to the council. We thought you ought to do it. You might want to include that in there, ma'am." I exhaled quickly through my nose. Great, another thing to add to my "I fucked up my mission" list. Zombies, a dead spectre, a juggernaught warship, and a conspiracy theory. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, losing my self worth with every thought that came to the surface. I closed my eyes, rubbing my temples. This was heavy. How was I supposed to write a report on a mission that failed?

I gasped as the lights began flashing. I couldn't see, and my head began to burn feverishly. I grabbed for the bed, squeezing the bed sheets to quell the pain. Images began to flash through my head. All of my thought processes ceased as images of a bloody massacre taking place. Ripping. Tearing. Everything had a dreamlike, orange hue around it, like it was burning. The searing pain began to dull, before I heard it. That sound. The most sinister, synthetic voice, roared like a foghorn blast so loudly that I began to feel pressure in my head. Then I felt it grab me from behind. I jabbed my elbow as hard as I could, and the chaos instantaneously stopped. I was back in the medbay of the Normandy. And I was on all fours on the floor. Thank the maker. I never thought I'd be grateful to find myself on the cold, tile floors of the medbay. I slowly climbed up the side of the bed and rested my forearms on the bed, leaning on it for any support I could get. I slowly lifted my head up and saw Chakwas holding Kaidan. He winced as he nursed a nosebleed.

"That," He wiped blood away on his forearm."was a good one, Shepard!" I frowned apologetically. He raised his hand, reassuringly. His eyes changed their focus, from my face to, well, not my face. He began to walk back up to me, slowly like I was a lion in a zoo. His hand slowly reached up to my ear. I beat him to it, wiping warm liquid off my sideburn. I looked down at the dark red liquid on my finger. Oh this was not good. He quickly grabbed a cloth from the counter, wiping it for me. I felt nervous with him being so close because I've never liked being touched. I backed up, grabbing the cloth from his hand.

"Interesting," Chakwas paced up to me, coaxing me to sit back down. "You seemed to be having those episodes while you were unconscious too. I monitored your brain activity during one of these episodes and found evidence that you were in the deepest stage of REM sleep."

"That's exactly what you looked like when you knocked me out of the way of the beacon!" Kaidan pointed at me. I remembered that now. I remembered the beacon's reach, grabbing me and pulling me in.

"So, _this_ is because of the beacon?" I held up the bloody cloth. "I have to go see it!" I stood back up, but Chakwas quickly pushed me back onto the bed.

"You can't, after it-" Kaidan paused. "it didn't make it. It got destroyed after it…..grabbed you. Or whatever." I couldn't help but notice that he had relocated himself out of arms reach from me and my elbow. It proved to be a good decision as I realized the extent of what that meant. My mission could not have gone any worse. I clenched my hands into fists at my side, taking in a slow inhale to try and calm my heart that was now pounding uncontrollably in my chest.

"I failed." I said, unable to take my gaze off the floor. "I failed and I'm gonna lose my job."

"I'm not going to let you take the fall for this, ma'am. We were right there with you and if our failure could expose a rogue spectre, I would do it again. We have to bring this to the council." Sometimes he spoke so confidently, I wondered why they chose me to lead to mission. Look where I led us. Here I am, laying in the medbay shaking like a child. I decided I was already wasting enough time with my hysterics down here. It was time to face the council.


End file.
